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Significant characters who appeared chiefly on Weekend Update are listed here in chronological order of their first appearance on the show. Each character's write-up is followed by a list of episodes in which they appeared. The episodes also denote who the SNL news anchor was at the time (if there is no anchor listed, it was the same as the previous listing). Some Update characters don't appear here because they fit better into one of the other categories listed below.

Emily Litella was an elderly woman with a hearing problem played by Gilda Radner in the late 1970s. She would frequently rant about topics about which she had misread or misheard, such as "Violins on Television," "Canker Research," "Endangered Feces," or "Presidential Erections." (To satisfy the censors at the time, Litella was made to explicitly state that she was referring to erecting statues of presidents.) Her catchphrase was "Never mind!", said after she was informed of her mistake.

Father Guido Sarducci was a chain-smoking priest with tinted eyeglasses played by Don Novello in the 1970s who worked as a gossip columnist and rock critic for L'Osservatore Romano, a Vatican newspaper.

Typically he would be introduced by Jane Curtin, thus compelling him to say, "Thank you, Hane!" Soon would follow his standard catchphrase: "Beisbol been bery, bery good to me!" Sammy Sosa, at the peak of his stardom in the late 1990s, would sometimes repeat that line as a joke, to the media, albeit in his true-to-life strong Hispanic accent.[citation needed]